Going back to work and daycare? Separation anxiety could be an issue all over again.

After a lengthy stay at home, your child may not be as keen to leave the house as you are. --

As shelter-in-place restrictions are slowly being lifted, child-care centers in Charleston County are gradually reopening.  Child-care is essential to getting parents back to work and jump-starting the economy.  But as much as you may be looking forward to resuming some semblance of normality, your little one may not be as eager to do the same.  Sure, she may be missing friends and special center-based activities, but the trade-off has been spending a great deal more time with the person she most wants to be with – you!  Even if your preschooler has been going to the center since a baby or toddler, don’t be surprised if she experiences some separation anxiety all over again.  You may be feeling your own anxiety about leaving your child in this new Covid environment and, let’s face it, social distancing protocols and masks are simply unsettling.  Even if separation anxiety has not been an issue with your child in the past, be aware of the possibility and be prepared.  Below are some suggestions to help make returning to child-care a little easier for both of you.

Be on the lookout for signs of anxiety and provide extra love and support

Is your child being more clingy or needy than usual?  Is he more demanding of your attention? Are tantrums becoming more frequent?  Are toileting accidents or bed-wetting happening again after a lengthy dry spell?  Are night terrors waking him up?  These are all signs that your child may be experiencing some stress or anxiety.  We’re all feeling elevated levels of stress in this time of change and uncertainty but his impending separation from you may be a factor as well.  While it’s important to maintain consistency in your discipline, it’s not the time to punish or insist s/he be a “big boy” or “big girl.”  Extra love and support are what is needed now.  Be sure to check out our previous blog for tips and book suggestions for talking to an anxious child during this time of continuing pandemic.

Talk to your child about what s/he is feeling

 

In the lead up to your child’s first day back, find quiet moments to talk to her about how she is feeling.  Explain that it’s normal to have mixed feelings and that she can be both excited to be seeing her friends and caregivers again, while at the same time be sad about not being home with you.  Remind her of the things she most enjoys about daycare, and reassure her that your favorite activities together will continue as well.  One of the best ways to talk to your child about separation anxiety is with the right book.  Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library and BEGIN WITH BOOKS May book selection, Raccoon on His Own, by Jim Arnosky, is the perfect book to talk to your preschooler about separation anxiety.  When a baby raccoon is swept downstream in an abandoned canoe he feels afraid and alone as he floats away from his mama and his brothers and sisters.  But soon he notices all kinds of things he has never seen before, and from the safety of his little boat, he begins to explore the world around him.  He’s never in any real danger even though he encounters an alligator and a snake.  And fear is soon overtaken by curiosity as lily pads, turtles, and ducklings pass him by.  And just imagine his joy and relief when he is reunited downstream with mama and family who have been following him all along.  The parallel with your own little one’s exciting but often frightening adventure away from home is straightforward and provides a wonderful starting off point to talk with him about having his own similar experiences to baby raccoon when he returns to daycare.

Allow extra time for drop-offs and pick-ups

When that day finally comes to drop off your child and you’re both feeling apprehensive, ensure you allow yourself enough time for proper goodbye.  This is not the day to dash off in a harried rush leaving your child confused and bereft.  That’s not to say you should prolong your departure.  If you have a child who is clinging to your leg, it’s best to make the goodbye reassuring, but short.  A direct hand-over to a loving caregiver is always best and a quick segue into a distracting activity is often helpful.  For younger children, bringing something from home like a special toy, teddy bear, or blanket can help the transition.  For a slightly older child, establishing a goodbye ritual can be reassuring and comforting.  This could be a special handshake, triple kisses, or anything unique and yours alone that can be done each time you say goodbye.  A meaningful ritual that gives your child your full attention in a loving and affectionate way provides consistency and builds trust in her independence and in you.

Be consistent, and once you’ve left, don’t return

We’re often reminded that our children stop crying within minutes of our leave-taking, but we still feel we’re doing something wrong when our child sobs for us to stay.  It’s good to be reminded that preschoolers understand the effect their pleas at separation have on you.  It doesn’t mean that they are not stressed at your leaving but they are nevertheless vying for a change in your behaviour.  Resist the urge to return to the room, and certainly don’t cancel your plans.  Ongoing consistency is key.

Try for a consistent pick-up time if possible

Just as drop-offs done right are important, so too are pick-ups.  To build trust and confidence in you, your child needs to know that you are reliable and true to your word.  Particularly in the early days, try to have the same person drop-off and pick-up if you can.  A set pick-up time really helps but is not always possible.  If you are able to pick-up at the same time every day, find out what activity your child will be engaged in at the time and use their language and not clock-time to explain – “I’ll pick you up after story time,” rather than “I’ll pick you up at 3 o’clock,” for example.  If you’re picking up at the end of the day, try not to be the last parent arriving to the last waiting child.  Do your best, but don’t beat yourself up when life gets in the way.  As long as your intentions are in the right place, your child will be just fine and the separation anxiety will ease over time.

-- Caron Bell, PhD, Early Childhood Development, and beginwithbooks.org volunteer